'Just Do The Do & Leave Your Nahi-Nahi Attitude Elsewhere', A Story Of A Dumb Girl, Who Is Actually Me

So, it happened some time ago. I was meeting an old school friend of mine and was just telling her about how my relationships never seem to work. She was majoring in psychology and naturally went to her therapist mode and started making theories about me. She analyzed my rants and ultimately declared that I was lonely and sexually frustrated.

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She, still being her therapist self, told me to try and meet new people. I pointed out that we are meeting after a long time and she is a totally new person now so technically I was meeting someone new. I think she was about to slap her forehead in frustration, but then she changed her mind for convenience and slapped my forearm instead. It had hurt. I hate friends.

Anyway, she then rephrased her earlier advice and told me to meet people I might have a 'romantic interest' in. I reminded her that I had just gotten out of a relationship. "I would willingly go to Antarctica on a lifeboat with nothing but a box of Snickers to feed on for a month and then die rather than get into a relationship again", I said rather dramatically.

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She then told me to straightway go for sex if I didn't have the emotional capacity. I believe her exact words were, "Leave the emotional Poo and just do the do". I think she might not have changed that much since we were twelve.

I downloaded Tinder that night. I know, I was doomed. But let me tell you, if you ever feel that you need validation, it is just an app away trust me. By morning I was so confident of myself that I sang "Aye Bachu" from Ghajini in the shower without even any background music.

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So, I chatted on tinder for a few days with random guys. Some were funny, some were creepy and some I had blocked already. I obviously discussed each and every guy with my friends in immense detail that would have made the CID crew from the show proud of us. One guy, however, passed all our tests and was considered a safe and albeit worthy option.

We used to talk a lot. We eventually exchanged numbers and followed each other on Instagram. When I told one of my friends about it, she mocked me and my whole taking-it-slow thing by saying "OMG! I hear wedding bells".

So coming to the climax, we both decided that we would meet, have dinner and 'Do The Do' as my friend had earlier put it in my brain. Guess what, he looked better in real life than he did in the pictures. I know! I was shocked too! I mean, isn't it usually the other way around? The pictures are supposed to be deceptive!

And it did not help that he seemed bloody well perfect. He smiled (white, perfectly aligned teeth). His manners were on point and it is safe to say that his sense of humour was not just limited to texts. He knew how to handle the conversation.

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I did the only thing that any normal girl in my position would do.
I made a complete embarrassment of myself.

You see those movies in which the girl is socially awkward and the usually pours something on herself and then the guy being the perfect gentleman helps her out and if the odds are good it ends up being a make-out scene?

That's exactly what happened except even before the guy could even grab a napkin, I fled.

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And in the process of running away, I stumbled again and poured hot soup on the formerly mentioned gentleman. I am not even saying ran because I am pretty sure that if I was a plane, my running speed would result in an immediate takeoff.

I went to my friend's place, who being a true friend shouted at me for being. I told her that if I had gone on doing anything with that guy I would fall for him because I was a romantic idiot who had watched too many rom-coms to ever be happy in real life. Needless to say, I blocked him from everywhere. I don't think he would have contacted me anyway, after I had mercilessly attacked him with boiling soup, but still, precaution is better than cure.

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I did keep a picture of him in my gallery as a reminder to self that I don't try anything stupid again. Just hook-up, they said. It will be fun, they said.

Stupid confident baboons!